One year ago.

One year ago today, I went out with some friends. We were meeting up. You asked if I was some guy's date. I laughed and said no. I wondered why you would ask that. It seemed odd. I like saw you at the bar and i was so happy, you always provided a fun night. We danced a bit but my friend pulled me away. I remember looking back at you wondering if you were going to pick up girls. And then that fight broke out. The first punch landed on my face, I felt a burn. I looked up at you, closed my eyes for a split second as another punch landed on the back of my head, opened my eyes and you had made it from the second floor to right next to me in record time. You pulled me out of danger and I knew then, for the first time that you cared for me for more than sex or someone to hang with. After more mixups, I finally met up with you. In my drunken stupor I stared at you in awe. I fell in love with you once before and convinced myself those feelings were gone. But they were rushing back. And that was terrifying.

It's a bad month.

February 2013. February was a bad month. A horrible month. The shortest month of the year and it brought the most pain. Crammed the most gun powder into its 4-week barrel and boy, did that shot hurt. I am not perfect. I suck sometimes. But I don't mean to. Unfortunately, I am guilty of carrying past baggage with me wherever I go. I have tried to let it go but I am to fall onto old crutches, because I'm afraid of being hurt. While that's no excuse, this is not something I hide. I am fully open to anyone who tries to get near that it will be a slow and arduous process. But I guarantee, at the end, they will have earned themselves someone who would take multiple bullets for them. People usually don't bother to try to find that out. And I foolishly use this as justification for my behaviour. I am quick to cut people out. If I think they will bring me down or not benefit me I will throw them away so fast. But not you. I don't know why I could never throw you away. You were no benefit to me, you were everything I stood against. But anytime you texted me or called me at 3am, I couldn't ignore you. I sacrificed a fine relationship for you. Because I had some unknown infatuation with you. I should have never answered that phone. This was a bad month. I was betrayed, lied to, made to look like an idiot, and so on. Despite my best efforts, everything crumbled. I didn't know what to do, so I guess I made it worse. You said I couldn't do anything right, and that was apparent. No matter what I did, even if it was exactly what you asked, it wasn't enough. You could have just been honest in the beginning. I finally started to come around and realise what poison you were. How dangerous you were to have in my ear, how manipulative you were. I told you to stay away. That felt like I was cutting myself, but I knew in my heart you were never going to change. You're too immature. But you came back, and ruined all the progress I had made. I was stupid for thinking you were going to actually try. Within a day it was obvious you were the exact same person. The same cowardly little boy, who used couldn't even face me like a man, who has to text anything important. I'm ashamed I let such a person ruin me. I question myself constantly and have lost my self-esteem. Because of someone like you. A little boy. This was not my finest month. This was not my finest year, as I fed into all the lies and nice stories you said. I should have known better. I am ashamed at the length it took me to realise who you really are, and how silly I have been. You blame me for this, don't admit any of your fault, accuse me of the horrible things you did, and then have the gull to turn around and say I lied to get you back. I should have known better. I should have been so much smarter.

This blog.

This blog is not as poetic. It's an online diary. Because I often lose or throw out my diaries when I begin to hate or want to forget a time. And my hand writing is pathetic. I can't even read it, I can fit 500 words in about 4 lines. It's bad. So here goes.